How I Hate That I Love You So
by rei2nadia
Summary: This is how Erza's feeling is like years after Gerard was hold captive by the Magic Council. Who could ever guess that people do can love and hate someone at the same time? First time one-shot. Please R&R. Rating is for light cursing.


Author's note: Well, this is my first attempt in making a one-shot story and also my first attempt in Fairy Tail fanfiction. Actually this is a story that I got inspiration from Rihanna's song "Hate that I love you" which then turn into a drabble, but in the end I edited some stuffs again so you could say that it's a mixed story. It's pretty rough and unsmooth and a little bit run in a circle but I hope it's still enjoyable. So please, let me know what you think about it. Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is certainly not mine or it will be not funny or crazy at all. Sadly.**

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**How I Hate That I Love You So**

Erza might have 1001 reasons to hate him. He endangered her friends, tricked her, tried to kill her, tried to destroy the world, tried to awaken the most dangerous monster in the world; and what worst was that he left her. Erza might have all the reason in the world to kill him and erase his existence in the world, as he himself had been considered as a threatening being. Erza might also able to do it with her own hands as she had all the power needed to destroy him. Erza could also kill him any way she wanted—tortured him as much as she wanted, gave him the worst kind of pain possible, killed him as slowly as possible—without no one placed a charge on her as the world had also wanted his death.

But she didn't.

She couldn't.

And she hated it.

Erza might have another 1001 reasons not to fall in love with him. The first reason would be every reason that had been mentioned earlier. Another would be because he betrayed her. And lied to her. And hurt her friends. And he didn't even have common sense anymore. And what worst was he forgot about her. ALL about her. ALL the damn things about her. Their battles, their conflicts, their conversations, their feelings, their childhoods, their memories; everything. And she couldn't possibly hate him more than she already was. Another reason for her not to love him.

But she did.

She didn't want to, but she did.

And she hated it.

Erza just couldn't get him off of her mind. Every time, everywhere, there's always this little consciousness of her that was thinking about him. _What was he doing today? Was he even still alive? Was he thinking about her? Had he even remembered her?_ These kind of small thoughts that seemed to always pop up in her mind whenever she's not doing something. And she hated it. She hated how her mind always seemed to be consumed by the thoughts of him, always occupied by him. She hated how it seemed that he controlled everything about her—her feelings, her thoughts, her mind, her dreams, her nightmares, her days, _everything—_even when he's not anywhere near her anymore. Even when she tried to be busy, took as much job as possible, stopped the useless fights of Natsu and Gray even though she knew that they'd start it again a few minutes later, barged in Lucy's house and made her annoyed; anything and everything to get him out of her head.

But she couldn't.

And she couldn't help herself to.

And, my, how she hated it.

And the worst part was the fact that, even with this unwanted knowledge about how much she loved him, she still hated him. Erza didn't even know whether that would be possible or not; to love and to hate someone so much at the same time. She hated him for everything that he'd done to her. She hated him for forgetting her. She hated him for leaving her. She hated him for lying to her. She hated him so much that her anger and hatred toward him were beyond explainable. But despite all of her anger, she had always had this little feeling—hope—that everything would be alright. That he would come back to her. That they would be together again. That they would be able to live a happily ever after. A hope that was so impossible it was nearly funny.

But she couldn't bulge that thought out of her.

And she didn't want to.

And she hated it.

Damn, she hated everything that's connected to him, she even hated the fact that she loved him! For Erza, his existence in her mind was like an itch on the nose. It's itchy, disturbing, frustrating, irritably uncomfortable, but she couldn't get rid of it no matter what she did. And it's getting worse as the time went by. She'd been wondering, _what if he never showed up in front of her anymore? Would she bring these overwhelming feelings to her death? Would she never be able to love anyone else anymore?_ She'd also been wondering, _what if he did come back? What would happen between them? Would he remember her? Would they be able to turn back to what they were used to? Or would they be worse? Would he be himself again? And if he did, would he love her back?_ Up to this point, Erza would be too scared to continue her thoughts and busied herself to get her thoughts in place again.

Erza hated how the thoughts of him always dominating her mind. She hated how her feelings were controlled with everything about him. She hated her addiction of thinking of him. She hated her dreams, her hopes about him, when she even knew that it was very unlikely. She hated her attachment to him. She hated it; she hated all of it so much that when she remembered about it she just wanted to kill him, once and for all. But despite it all, when she saw him now, _her Gerard_, in front of her apartment's door, with a bitter and apologetic look on his face, explaining about his amnesty with a soft voice; Erza just couldn't understand anymore. She was sure as hell that she hated him, she was sure as hell that her feeling was also something more than that, and despite it all she was sure as hell that she still wanted to make him pay for what he'd done to her and all of her friends. But all of her beliefs had withered away the second she saw his face when she opened the door.

Her mind had stopped thinking at that second. Her heart had stopped beating at that second. Her time had stopped moving at that second, and all the things that she could grasp at that second was the image of _her_ Gerard in her eyes, real and alive. She just couldn't care anymore about what he's saying. She just couldn't care anymore about her thoughts all this time. She just couldn't care anymore about her waiting. She just couldn't care anymore about her feelings. She just couldn't care anymore about her hate. She just couldn't care anymore about her love. Heck, she just couldn't care anymore about reasons or logic! She just could do the only thing that stroked her mind the second she realized that it was not a dream. She hugged him.

Erza could feel him stiffened at her reaction, but she didn't care. Erza could feel her tears strolled down her face and wet Gerard's shirt, but she didn't care. Erza could feel Gerard's relaxing and wrapped his arms around her lightly, but she didn't care. The entire thing that she could care about was he was there, in her arms, alive. She tightened her grip as if she wouldn't let him go ever again; which was exactly what her intention was. And Gerard held her tighter, stroking her hair carefully as if he was afraid he might break her or she might reject him. When she didn't seem to make that kind of attempt, he lowered his head to her ear.

"I'm so sorry, Erza," he whispered.

_Oh, how she hated that soft voice of his._

"I know," she answered huskily.

"Do you forgive me?" he asked again.

_Oh, how she hated the way he made her forget everything._

"I don't know," she answered softly.

He nodded lightly. "I know I don't deserve to."

_Oh, how she hated how he made her forget all of her anger and forgive him._

"I know," she replied again. "But I just can't help it."

He tightened his embrace. "You're too good for me."

_Oh, how she hated his spell-bounding words._

She sobbed, "I know."

Erza could feel something wet and cold dropped on her shoulder. "But I can't stop thinking of you."

_Oh, how she hated the way he had control over her_.

"I love you, Erza Scarlet," he whispered ever so softly.

Erza held him closer. "Damn you," she cursed. "Me too."

_Oh, how she hated that she loved him so._

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**So... What you think? Please R&R as I am in a very need of constructing comments on my writing skill. Anyway, thank you for reading!**

**And if you don't mind, you can also check on my other story in Ghosthunt fandom called Life Rhapsody and see whether it is any good. :)**


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